Gay Sleeper Agents

Dear DADT Advocate,

I realize that in your newly-discovered zeal for DADT, you've scoured the internet for the most widespread conservative arguments about how openly gay individuals will stain the face of our brilliant military, miring Dedicated Patriots in their homosexual wiles. Your recent googlings have probably produced quite a bit of material which you are just aching to spew forth, a miniature McCain.

But let me stop you. I've been hearing a lot lately from you and your fellow Fox News-sustained clones, and I've got some things to say too. That is, if you can hear me through all the tin foil wrapped around your head.

You say repealing DADT contributes to "the moral degradation of America." Your concern for our morality as a nation is touching, as is your obvious concern for the separation of Church and State. I won't even try and convince you of the obvious reality that sexual orientation has nothing to do with morality because I know that I'll just get a face-full of holy water for my troubles. But I will say that your voracious attempts to dictate everyone else's behavior is despicable. Also, you're a fascist.

I assume that you'll be expelling any and all soldiers who commit adultery, get a divorce, oh and kill. Killing's kind of a big deal in the Bible--god forbids it explicitly in the Ten Commandments (we'll ignore the times he commands it, for now), supposedly a clearcut guide for your morality, right? I mean you do seem to love to adorn courtrooms with them.
Your own morality is obviously flexible. Let's try and remember that before we cite Bible verses, mkay pumpkin?

Oh, yes, the "where will they shower" argument. I point you to this lovely answer, that is if you can survive the aneurysm watching Barney Frank undoubtedly gives you. Also, sexual arousal is contextual, you complete and utter nitwit. Just because someone can be attracted to people of their own gender does not mean that any and every situation between this person and others of their gender is rife with sexual desire, tension, or even attraction. Just ask nudists, doctors, and anyone who's visited hot springs. And for real, what's with the fixation on the way in which, and with whom, gay people have sex? Come on. We don't constantly talk about "the straight identity" in terms of a simple, single sexual act. Did I mention you're a fascist?

I'm going to level with you, now, since we're friends and all. Do you want to know something incredibly frightening?


There are already gay people in the military. 


OMGEEZ! I know! I swear to your god, I am not making this up. Ask anybody. There are gay people in the military and they have been hiding, in secret, which makes them gay sleeper agents. There they are hiding out in the military, fighting and dying for our freedom, and nobody even knows that the whole time they are carrying out some kind of sinister Homosexual Agenda by their very existence. If you ask me, this is what we need to be concerned about! We need to somehow figure out some way of fixing it so that we don't have all these secretly gay people in the military, constantly trying to hide their sexual orientation.

See? You and I might be on the same page after all.

P.S. We won't even touch the subject of transgendered individuals and the plethora of possible identities which American Patriots might choose for themselves, because I'm afraid your brain will explode.