Left Behind

You know the Tea Partiers who decry the state of our nation and want to rend from it any citizen who does not match their qualifications, through skin color or sexual orientation or liberal beliefs or irreligious tendencies?

Sometimes, I wish they would get exactly what they are wishing for.

I was recently directed to observe the it-would-be-so-funny-if-it-were-less-awful MRA community* (Men's Rights Activists, and I'm not even going to link to a site like the dash spearhead) with their near-constant avowals of boycotting American women. In addition to being sexist and homophobic, MRAs tend to be racist in weird ways. They have a particularly hilarious fixation on Asian or Middle Eastern women, and not in an openly-avowed, fetish sort of way--just in a "perhaps this is a woman who will let us knock her around ye gods Feminism is So Evil let us boycott all American Women Forever!" sort of way.

*not to be confused with the occasional macho radical libertarian who finds himself slightly in this camp, they're a bit more consistent and intelligent, but I'll save it for the Field Guide. 

Oh, thank you, FSM. Gracious, am I ever so glad these men are deciding to take themselves out of the dating pool. This is a maaaaarvelous way for them to handle their disagreements with humanity and I approve.

Now listen up, Tea Partiers, because this is what you should be doing! No more of this "reclaim our country" crap. You've said so yourself--the country is freakin' lost. The liberals have taken over. You've been watching Beck, you already know all about the conspiracies! Hell, you've already purchased your limited edition solar-powered emergency radio and stockpiled an Apocalypse Seed Starter Kit.
Now just take your thinking one step further. It's time to remember your Old Testament and realize that you, the Tea Party, are the modern incarnation of the tribes of Israel, being led by Moses to the Promised Land! Are you with me? Do you realize the implications of your special covenant with god? It is time to abandon the formerly great United States and seek refuge elsewhere.

Glenn Beck model I: right after parting the Red Sea he peddled Goldline

That's right. I said it, and you're denying your own god if you refuse. My logic is unassailable. Go to Mongolia or something, I don't care where you go, but go somewhere you can conquer and take for your own with your rifles and Bibles and hordes of children. Set up a land full of edicts about private morality and above all, remember that corporations are As Children Unto the Lord and Ye Shall Not Make Rules Upon Them, even unto the recessions at the end of days, for lo, god writes with an Invisible Hand the free markets of the earth. Don't stick around here protesting, don't try to vote--you are just buying into the liberals' system if you do that! No, you are above that. Let Beck lead you into the light, and away from this place.

Oh god (not that there is one but I refuse to try and purge my language of religious cusswords like some of my atheist friends, life is just too dang hard already), let it happen. I mean, holy crap. We can develop amazing medical innovations with all the embryonic stem cells we want, and their society can devolve to the point of disallowing anesthesia because pain, after all, is man's lot according to the Bible. Of course, the liberal utopia will probably have truly annoyingly long debate sessions. We'll have a damned hard time coming to consensus (which is why I favor a dictatorship headed by yours truly, but we'll get to that later). There are details to work out.

It's like the heaven/hell dichotomy. My sexual practices and inability to stop questioning religious beliefs and conventions are going to land me smack dab in a pile of fiery doom, according to the Catholic rector down the street. And then where will I be? Well, toasty warm with a bunch of other perverts, misanthropes, and people who are too snarky for their own good. It's exactly the kind of company I want to keep.

Pppppparty every day-hey-hey-hey, party every day!

Oh, dear Tea Partiers, please leave us alone. You have been decrying our vast numbers and vast power, disavowing everything about the way our country operates including its legal authorities, and tying yourself to the Judeo-Christian tradition in a way that boggles my heathen mind. Please, take your thinking to its ultimate conclusion and go find your promised land.