Advice

Six Pieces of Commentary From People Who Straddle The Ungraceful Line Between Friend and Co-Worker, Titled With My Predominant Character Flaws

1. Being too friendly. 

It's embarrassing, really. You're making everyone uncomfortable with your gestures of invitation, your suggestions of "we should hang out sometime!" Stop trying so hard, you talk too much. 

2. Not dating them. 

Who do you think you are, Cleopatra? You smiled over the free coffee that one morning, didn't you know that was the universal sign for "Let's be in a relationship now?" Why did you say we should hang out if you didn't want to date--didn't you notice we're not the same gender?! Well, apparently we're not dating and I'm going to treat you like it's all your fault. Bitch.

3. Eating too little.

God, you're skinny! Haha. I mean you look great. You're so beautiful! Keep up the good work. Do you ever eat a hamburger? You must run a lot. It's great that you care about your health. Oh loosen up and eat a damn hamburger, how about. Look at your little salad. I hate skinny girls. Haha! Totes kidding.

4. Being too shy.

You know you have this totally stand-offish air, don't you? Oh sweetie you're so quiet. And it's elegant! It's so elegant! But you know you should come out to more parties. You should drink more. You should be more outgoing, because you're obviously a recluse. It's pathological, sweetie. 

5. Dating them.

You should really settle down and focus more on work. Stop wasting your time. You're so immature.

6. Eating too much. 

Wow, you're getting a whole sandwich today, huh? Haha! Oh I guess I will too. I mean I'm sure I won't be able to finish it. I wish I had a metabolism like yours, if I ate what you eat I would just explode. This sandwich is huge. There's no way I can finish this. Portion control is sooooo annoying. If I didn't watch myself I would just eat everything in sight! Haha! Wow I cannot believe that's your lunch!